5 cents
Monthly Wrap-up Edition
April 2046
James Dougall, Trib Staff - Portland, April 1. The Royal Army unveiled a plan to create a series of new national guard units in the Midwestern provinces. Citing the danger of small raids from the Islamic nations, the army intends to organize light infantry units to supplement the garrisons along the frontier. The size and location of these new units will be finalized in the near future.
The new units would be equipped with captured Islamic arms.
Units will be raised using the old Islamic muster rolls for the areas concerned. The new units will only be created in Illinois and Joliet Provinces, exclusive of the Wisconsin territory.
Beltaine Yelder, Trib Staff - Portland, April 5. John Fitzgerald Schwarzenegger continued his vocal campaign against the appointment of Major General Rachel Topper as commander of the Old Guard Armored Division. Continuing with his allegations of Guards atrocities, Schwarzenegger roundly condemned what he called the king's moves toward an "absolutist tyranny." The former New England USA president vowed that he would go down fighting rather than permit the UKA to turn into "another Roman Empire, full of barbarism and slavery."
In the government's rebuttal to Schwarzenegger's comments, Prime Minister Duchess Julie Harbuck-Hornak said, "I'm surprised he could even use words with as many syllables as 'absolutist'. General Topper is one of the kingdom's finest officers, and I wouldn't blame her if she called that bigmouth out for slander."
Major General Topper has refused all comment about the Kennedy-Democratic party leader's vituperative remarks.
(RP) Stockton, CCA. April 8. A bill mandating public nudity in the Stockton Free Republic from April to September is creating a vigorous debate between Stockton traditionalists and various religious and immigrant groups. The Stockton Fundamentalist Party, a secular group devoted to preserving what its members see as traditional values, fought for the bill over the winter, claiming that outsiders were destroying the Stockton way of life. Party Leader Conan Brebberman, at the party's annual tofu taco feed railed against what he claimed to be a concerted effort to "destroy everything our ancestors came to California for."
A diverse group of religious organizations ranging from fundamentalist Christians to Orthodox Jews have fought the proposal, claiming that it violated their rights to practice their religious beliefs. Mayor Derek Bostick pleaded for calm, insisting that peaceful coexistence also is part of the Stockton lifestyle.
James Dougall, Trib Staff - Portland, April 10. King Patrick and his family returned from a month long vacation at the Tahoe Palace. He announced that he was happy to get back was ready and eager to get back to work. The king's press secretary promised that a "refreshed and enthusiastic monarch" would address the new Parliamentary session's accumulating bills with all the care and thoughtfulness that King Patrick is well known for.
(RP) Stockton, CCA. April 11. Early this morning, the Stockton Free State Judicial Council passed a controversial Mandatory Nudity Bill. After signing the bill into law, Mayor Derek Bostick announced that despite his personal misgivings, the law would be enforced immediately. Governor General Sir Philip O'Grady, however, intervened and, using a rarely invoked royal prerogative, vetoed the new law. Sir Philip announced that the law violated basic guarantees of personal and religious freedom that no Class II Commonwealth state had the right to interfere with.
Infuriated with the governor general's meddling, Stockton Fundamentalists went on a rampage in downtown Stockton, undressing every clothed person they could find, and beating those who resisted. Among the victims were several Sunni Muslim housewives and a Priest of Elvis, who was severely beaten with a guitar and a pair of blue suede shoes. Mayor Bostick's father, former mayor Richard "Big Dick" Bostick was slightly injured while trying to shield a Catholic girl's school from the marauders. The rioters quickly took control of the city, cutting off all north-south rail traffic on the Portland National mainline and severed all telephone and telegraph service with Southern and Central California.
Stockton's lightly armed police could do nothing to prevent the rampage. Some Fundamentalist Party members assembled and elected their leader, Conan Brebberman, as the new mayor-for-life. Armed with this dubious authority, Brebberman declared Stockton independent and in rebellion against the crown.
Mayor Bostick declared martial law and summoned troops from Lt. General Richard K. Walden, commander of the California Military District, but it is unknown at this time what the current situation in Stockton is.
James Dougall, Trib Staff - Portland, April 12. Lt. General Richard K. Walden, commander of the California Military District, refused to send troops to put down an insurrection in Stockton, Central California, citing logistical difficulties. Down playing the seriousness of the disturbances, Walden recommended that RCMP detachments be sent instead. A platoon of the 29th RCMP Company was dispatched from San Francisco, and should arrive tomorrow morning. A squadron of RAF Seahawk fighters buzzed the city in a show of force late this afternoon in a vain attempt to quell the disturbances.
James Dougall, Trib Staff - Portland, April 13. A single platoon of the 29th RCMP Company (Foot) retook the city of Stockton in two hours of intense house-to-house fighting. Second Lieutenant Kathleen McAuliffe lead her thirty six Mounties into the city against ten time their numbers. They promptly chased the crazed nudists through the streets. One Mountie was killed and two wounded. McAuliffe reported that her men found six rebel bodies and captured over forty of them alive, many of them wounded. Lt. General Walden, commander of the California Military District, praised Lieutenant McAuliffe for her bravery and tactical skill. The Mounties spent the remainder of the day attempting to restore order and find and arrest the ringleaders of the rebellion. Colonel Jonathan Leach, head of the RCMP, detached five companies from the training camp south of Portland to aid in the restoration of order.
(RP) Roma, April 11. Disgusted with his army's recent foray into Bulgaria, Emperor Vittorio ordered a major overhaul of his legions. His first task, according to his spokesman, is a tightening up of discipline. Pointing to the UKA's highly professional army and unbroken record of success worldwide, the emperor plans to emulate it. The official statement announced that all positions would be open to promotion by merit, and that there would no longer be any preference for aristocrats for advancement.
In Portland, UKA military officers were unanimous that it was about time that the Romans put their military house in order ith the threat of the Mongols hanging over them.
Beltaine Yelder, Trib Staff - Stockton, CCA, April 14. Deputy Chief Inspector Major Kevin Hernond, commander of the RCMP's Southwestern Region reported that Stockton remained calm despite reports that large numbers of well armed rebels were planning to seize the city back from royal control. The addition of five companies of RCMP troops, including thirty armored cars, made any such action very unlikely, according to Hernond. Troops searching the city last night found Mayor Derek Bostick and his father, Richard "Big Dick" Bostick, locked in a broom closet in city hall, where they hid from angry rebels who blamed the Bosticks for not standing up to royal authority. Sir Philip O'Grady, the governor general, whose actions precipitated the rebellion is still missing. When this reporter asked DCI Hernond what happened to the large force of rebels chased out of town by Lieutenant Kathleen McAuliffe's spirited attack, he replied that there was no evidence of any force of rebels still remaining in arms against the king. On a related note, rail and communications traffic through Stockton has been restored to normal.
Beltaine Yelder, Trib Staff - Stockton, CCA, April 15. Sir Philip O'Grady, Governor General of the Stockton Free State, was found by a Mountie patrol hanged alongside a barn near Farmington, some twentyfive kilometers east of Stockton. DCI Hernond ordered a sweep of the vicinity that turned up nothing. When asked if he was planning to change his opinion that there were no more active rebel groups in the field, he declined comment, only stating, "Justice will be done."
An RCMP spokesman in Portland refused to comment on what he called an "ongoing case." The Palace announced that in all respects, the law of the land would be followed and the perpetrators would be brought to justice.
(RP) Roma - April 20. A bomb exploded in Caesar Vittorio's dining room just minutes before he was to enter. No member of the Imperial Family were injured, but eleven servants were killed, and dozens wounded. No group has claimed responsibility. The head of Rome's Carabinieri Royal announced that his force is doing its utmost to protect the emperor from such plots.
Beltaine Yelder, Trib Staff - Stockton, CCA, April 24. The rebellion in Stockton took an ugly turn yesterday, when the 3rd RCMP Company was ambushed near Lathrop, CCA west of Stockton. The Mounties drove into a trap while patrolling I-5. A large rebel force opened fire, killing many and panicking the rest. Company commander, Captain Geoffrey Vaughn, a seventeen year veteran of the force was killed. Apparently, the 3rd disintegrated during the action, and an undetermined number of Mounties were captured by the rebels.
When survivors radioed for help, DCI Hernond, the Mountie leader
in charge of securing the Stockton area, sent two companies of RCMP
infantry, and fifteen RCMP armored cars to extricate them. At about six that
evening, the relief force attacked. Rebels firing RPGs captured from the 3rd
destroyed 5 armored cars, killing one officer and twelve enlisted men. The
1st and 29th RCMP Companies assaulted Lathrop and routed at least part
of the rebel force after the surviving armored cars fled the field in a panic.
Twelve enemy were killed and twenty wounded rebels were captured.
Captured rebels were in extremely high spirits, and one of them told this
reporter that the UKA might as well pull out now and save itself a lot of
trouble. The senior RCMP officer present, Captain Frank Walker of the 2nd
Armored Car Company, furious about the loss of his men, ordered the
prisoners hanged as spies, as they were not in uniform. All twenty were
hanged from the old phone poles of Lathrop.
(RP) Rome. - April 27. Lt. General Alfonso Rossi, commander of the Roman V Corps was shot for failure to do his utmost in the face of the enemy when troops under his command failed to protect a major Danube rail bridge against Mongol raiders. A colonel commanding the 4th Cavalry brigade was shot along side his corps commander. Caesar was quoted as saying, "Do your job, or else." Rossi was the last of the generals in the Army of the East not appointed by the current caesar. Marshal Kennedy, Master of Soldiers of the East announced that he would begin his invasion of Bulgaria as soon as the ground dried from the spring melt. An anonymus UKA staff officer told this reporter that the ground is normally dry by mid-April, though he does not have current information. Skeptical European officers doubt there will be any Roman advance in the near future.
April 4. Polish off the Romans now, while they are weak. This detente we have with them is a mistake. Sooner or later, they are going to try to enslave us. I've had relatives killed by them on three continents. Why let the disease fester any longer. Destroy the Roman empire now, or we will regret it. Theron D. Wood, Beaverton.
April 9. We know what is important. Join the newest and most intelligent political movement in the entire UKA, the Party for Beer. Free beer daily to all citizens could be yours if you vote us into office. Go down to your local voting registrar and change your party affiliation to the PFB and get ready for a 365 day per year Oktoberfest. Blutto Huge, Fun Guy About Town, and PFB General Secretary.
April 10. Can't the king do something about those Godless nudists down in Stockton. My sister was almost undressed last week by a mob of those weirdos when she got off the train there during an hour layover. There is no excuse for them to harass innocent travellers who simply want to buy an orange. Ricardo Munoz, Portland.
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Mr. Ffolkes Goes to Portland is a revival of Leggy Mountbatten's classic production detailing the Alaska League's conquest of Portland in 2007, starring James Reynolds as Ffolkes, Kevin Morrell as Robert "Bush" Allen, Judith Watkins as Joanna Allen, and Gerard Frankel as Shawn Cromett. It is also noteworthy as Bettina Longoria's first American picture, where she plays the love interest for the villain, the evil Count Pacini, played by veteran stage actor Willard McKenzie.
This movie is an enjoyable action/adventure picture which garnered best picture and best leading actor awards at the Portland Film Festival in 2040. While the picture plays fast and loose with history, its lavish budget, massive battle scenes, and fast paced direction make one of the public's all-time favorites. Was the future Prime Minister Cromett six foot three and blonde? This reviewer doesn't think so. Despite this, Mr. Ffolkes Goes to Portland is a must see picture.
A Fistful of Dolphins is the latest release from New England United Studios and its best director, Lora Denny. Starring Roland Hawbaker as Josh Dolphin and Judith Watkins as his purported mistress Nancy Chatsworth Kimball. It tells the story of a scandal of the early 2020s that turned out to be a hoax, and the woman who masterminded it. Hawbaker turns in an adequate performance as the king who did not know what was going on. Much better is Watkins's portrayal of the scheming, ambitious woman who plotted the downfall of an empire, but failed in the attempt.
As a character study of Kimball, the movie is a success. The king comes across a bumbler whose indecisiveness is at odds with his public reputation, and as such, is far from believable. Despite this, I recommend all viewers interested in seeing fine acting see this picture to enjoy Ms. Watkins in her finest role yet.
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