5 cents Monthly Wrap-up Edition
April 2046

MOUNTIES CRUSH REVOLT: STOCKTON QUIET AFTER MASS ARREST

WHY IS HE WAITING? ASKS UKA HIGH COMMAND

Official comment is that the UKA would prefer the Romans to move when they are fully prepared, rather than moving forward hal-cocked like they have in the recent past.

MONGOLS PREEMPT ROMAN OFFENSIVE

SHERMAN ANNOUNCES UKA AID TO ROMANS

The UKA's famous 50th Cavalry Brigade is to be dispatched to Croatia by train from Italy.

"NOT AGAIN" CRIES SHERMAN AFTER ROMAN DISASTER ON THE CENTRAL DANUBE

SHERMAN TIRADE VINDICATED AFTER DANUBE CATASTROPHE

This reporter reached the entrenchments soon after the Brigade repulsed the first Mongol assault. Hall reports uniform success in fighting delaying actions against the Mongol pursuers, though at the loss of several hundred casualties. The distinguished cavalry general reported his men in good spirits and confident of eventual victory and that was quite appearent from their demeanor while I walked among them this afternoon.

KENNEDY FLEES TO TURKEY AFTER CATASTROPHE

PRIME MINISTER LAMENTS ROMAN DECISION TO PUT KENNEDY IN COMMAND

When asked about the performance of the UKA cavalry brigade loaned to the Romans, and future plans of the government towards the Romans, the prime minister announced "Our troops performed magnificently. We will continue to support the Romans in their battle against the Mongol threat." "But not with another Kennedy in command?" another reporter interrupted. The prime minister just smiled in response and went on. "The hordes are a menace to all the civilized world. Their anarchistic tendencies harken back to the early years of the Apocalypse. We hope the Romans can quickly recover from the unfortunate set circumstances presented to them by ex-Field Marshal Douglas Harriman Kennedy II, Count of Manfredonia, before his timely flight."

SCHWARZENEGGER CALLS PRIME MINISTER A "LYING LACKEY OF ROMANS"

ARMY OF THE PYRENEES HEADQUARTERS MOBILIZED: JORDAN TO TAKE COMMAND OF VIENNA'S DEFENSES

In related news, the Swiss high command has opened talks with the Romans about coordinating operations if Mongol troops invade Switzerland.

CON MONS AND COALITION LAUGHS OFF VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE THREAT

MARQUIS SLAPS PARTY LEADER

Schwarzenegger refused, claiming that the PM's comments were a personal attack on his family, and that "the bitch deserves to be called much worse. She will rot in hell and you will too." At that point, the marquis slapped the man across his face, called him "A blowhard traitor, like all his kin, none whom are fit to kiss the duchess's feet." Furious, Schwarzenegger informed the marquis that his seconds would call upon him at his earliest possible convenience.

SCHWARZENEGGER DUELS, SHOOTS JAEHNING

KENNEDY DEMOCRATS TRY, FAIL TO WIN NO CONFIDENCE VOTE

BLOODY BOB'S RAIDED

Beltaine Yelder, Trib Staff - Portland, Tuesday, May 22. The RCMP raided the notorious brothel-restaurant early this morning as a response to advertisements that implied that King Patrick gave royal approval to the "entertainment" provided there. The king, a man with little sense of humor about that sort of thing, made his displeasure known to the law enforcement community, which responded promptly. The establishment's owner, Robert "Bloody Bob" Noss, and his mother, Hannah Bruek, were both arrested on charges of lŠse majesty. Noted criminal defense attorney Kevin Arkins posted bail for both by noon. In an impromptu press conference on the steps of the Portland Royal Courthouse, Arkins denounced the government for interfering in the private business affairs of its citizens and intrusions into their personal lives. He vowed to fight the arrests all the way to the supreme court level if necessary.

ELVIS LIVES? HE DOES IN PORTLAND

BREBBERMAN CONVICTED AND SENTENCED TO DEATH

STALEMATE ON THE DANUBE?

However, little appears to be happening on the lower Danube front. The UKA 50th Cavalry Brigade continues to hold a bridgehead on the north bank of the river, but little activity seems to be taking place there at this time.

JET AIRCRAFT COLLIDE IN TESTING ACCIDENT

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

May 1. King Patrick is a scum-sucking parasite. Death to all the nobles and oppressors of the working class! Henry G. Nulty, UKA Communist Party, Savannah, CAR.

May 23. The government is now arresting honest, law-abiding business simply for trying to run their business. It is outrageous! The Party United for Beer (PUB) lends its support to "Bloody Bob" Noss and his mother, hard working people trying to make Portland a better place for all of us. Blutto Huge, Portland, NO.

May 24. Quit oppressing the working women of the UKA. "Bloody Bob" was just having some fun. Now, some of my sisters are out of work. Yolanda Sachsenberg, President of the Associated Working Girls of the UKA (AWGUKA).

May 29. I can't believe that our government is stupid enough to help the damned Italians keep the peoples of the Balkans in slavery. Sure, the Mongols are probably as big a pack of pond-scum suckers as the Italians, but at least they are primitive savages who do not pose a threat to our national security. The Italians have been a blight on all mankind since 1985. I say, throw them to the wolves! It should be worth a few chuckles to watch them being carried off into slavery. I believe the government is making a big mistake here, though we will still support it, since the alternative, the Democrats under the arch-buffoon, is much worse. Antonia Vasquez Farber, MP for San Clemente, Hispanic Peoples' Party.

VITAL STATISTICS

May 9 - Bavaria. Raphael DellaChiesi, brother to the Roman Duke of Faenza, married Katrina Maria Buol-Schauenstein, daughter of Duke Karl-Phlipp of Bavaria. This wedding is the second for both parties.

May 16 - Portland. Catherine C. Loucks II, sister of Rear Admiral Lauren C. Loucks II, married Rabbi Isaac Goldblume. Ms. Loucks is the widow of the late Brigadier General Mark E. Krepel, son of former Prime Minister Michael Krepel. She owns and is CEO of Cascade Collection Agency Inc.

May 26 - Portland. Josef N. Borisov, son of the late Count Sergei Borisov and brother of the late Prime Minister David Borisov, married Portland fashion photographer Susan Welch. This was his fourth marriage, and her second.

A Fistful of Dolphins is the latest release from New England United Studios and its best director, Lora Denny. Starring Roland Hawbaker as Josh Dolphin and Judith Watkins as his purported mistress Nancy Chatsworth Kimball. It tells the story of a scandal of the early 2020s that turned out to be a hoax, and the woman who masterminded it. Hawbaker turns in an adequate performance as the king who did not know what was going on. Much better is Watkins's portrayal of the scheming, ambitious woman who plotted the downfall of an empire, but failed in the attempt. As a character study of Kimball, the movie is a success. The king comes across a bumbler whose indecisiveness is at odds with his public reputation, and as such, is far from believable. Despite this, I recommend all viewers interested in seeing fine acting see this picture to enjoy Ms. Watkins in her finest role yet.

The Empire Strikes Back II has it all: sex, violence, and surprisingly, a plot. Based on a memorable pre-Apocalypse film of the same name, and produced by Leggy Mountbatten, TESB II thrills its audience with massive starship battles and strange alien creatures filmed with the latest in stop action animation by Kenneth Floramond. The acting is passible, with David Gonzales as Luke Vader and Arnold McBride as the Emperor Victorianus. while Rachel Jonas gives a bravura performance as the android.

The Nose Knows:

It's amazing what passes for emotional stability these days, that little party animal, John "the Mouth" Schwarzenegger, was "overheard" complaining about what a b-tch his cousin Maria Montecuccoli has been since he started (get this) "defending" the family honor. Does it seem to you that the more letters a person has in their last name determines their IQ? Maria apparently has been in Portland these last weeks riding herd on John -- we'd shudder to think what our sensitive nostrils would be smelling in those little family get-togethers.

It could be worse: you could be a crewman on the HMS Erebus. Our beloved queen-to-be is expecting a little royal heir, and we all know how good natured she is, even during the best of times, and the nose smells a very miserable time ahead for those poor lads and lasses stuck in a tiny tin can with her. Can you spell slave galley?

What's with the light signals in downtown? Have you noticed that sometimes an entire avenue will go green/red for minutes at a time. We called the traffic engineers office and they said we were nuts. Phone service seems to be pretty spotty at time too. Longtimers on the street are saying it must be the race of mutants that live under the city. We smell a rat somewhere in the city bureaucracy.

Doin' time in blue suede shoes would appear to be what some people where born for. For the umpteenth time since the opening of the Rhine Castle Musee', some true clone of Elvis has attempted to make off with the Graceland gates. Actually it was more like nine clones, a couple of hacksaws, and a mint condition pink 1958 Cadillac Convertible borrowed from the museum's collection just for the occasion. Sergeant Wilfred Riley of the Portland Police commented, "It's a real shame that this kind of energy isn't being put to more constructive means..., well actually they probably will be putting some effort towards breaking rocks..." These not-so-bright-as-thou were caught by the Portland police as they waited at a red light -- a mere coincidence? We don't think so.

Speaking of strange smells, what's this about Leggy Mountbatten launching a new line of men's cologne? Approach the members of Portland's glittering set very carefully until we find out what the eccentric Leggy has cooked up! Eau de skunk is not an impossibility with him, though an overly strong floral scent is more likely. Already, my delicate nasal passages are watering . . .

Fascinating Peoples of Our Fascinating Empire

The John Day Indians are the most notorious groups of people living along our Rocky Mountain frontier. Their homeland stretches throughout central and western Oregon, where they make their living by small scale farming and nomadic herding, heavily supplemented by pillaging frontier settlements. They live in small bands, traveling constantly to avoid attacks by the Royal Army frontier troops. They sell captives to the biker gangs across the Rockies to the east.

Interestingly, the John Days are not properly an Indian tribe at all. Instead, they are descended from a mixture of outlaw biker and bandit gangs that had coalesced around a charismatic survivalist leader known to his followers as Old Buffalo Breath, sometime in the early 1990s. Buffalo claimed that the only way to survive in the post-Apocalyptic world was to follow the ways used by earlier men, in his case, what he felt the pre-Columbian Indian ways. To this basic concept, he added Social Darwinian ideas that helped reinforce the ruthless patriarchy of his rule.

The John Days reached the peak of their power and influence in the first decade of the Twenty First Century. Growing competition by the expanding UKA and Mormon State of Deseret reduced their numbers. By the 2020s, the expansion of the railroad to Ogden allowed their Royal Army to successfully counter the swift moving raiders, and the widespread use of the RAF to harass and scatter John Day bands has weakened them and has prevented any large scale assembly of that people. It is doubtful that the John Days will survive much longer as a culture, and given their brutal history, it is unlikely that they will be missed by anyone but we anthropologists!