5 cents
Monthly Wrap-up Edition
June 2046
Following the attack, the killers or their coconspirator made their escape under the cover of sabotage of the city s traffic light system, which went to red in all directions at all intersections in town except for the route used by the assassins. The identities of the killers are unknown, but it is believed that they are members of the extremist wing of Navy Technical Services.
Exactly timed with the killing, all the telephones served by the Portland Telephone Utility rang with a recorded message that endlessly repeated "Happy Birthday to Charles, Happy Birthday to Charles, We fried old Schwarzenegger, Happy birthday to Charles. " This message was repeated for five minutes on the hour until 11 AM, when the king ordered the phone system to be shut down. The Charles alluded to in the message is believed to the late Duke of Nicaragua.
Minutes later, Vice Admiral Booker T. Lincoln, Minister of Internal Security, announced to the gathered reporters that he intended to bring the killers to justice as soon as humanly possible. "I don t care what a man's politics are. Murder is murder and the RCMP will not stand for it. Remember, these people have already killed eleven of my men. It s personal, now."
Clay has been unavailable for comment. It is believed he is currently in South Africa on a goodwill tour. Speculation about the event which triggered Clay s firing include dilatory handling of pending operations against the Mongol Empire somewhere in the Indian Ocean.
Beltaine Yelder , Trib Staff - Portland, Saturday, June 30. Eight heavily armed bandits attacked the First Keaton Bank in Portland at closing time today. The six men and two women, described by witnesses as wearing "country style clothing" and masks, shot the bank's two armed guards: Leon Gillespie and Alan McNamara. After collecting the money, the bandits murdered the branch manager, Theodore Benson, the assistant manager Colleen Wilson, loan officer Michelle Juarez, and tellers Andrew Skinner, Lucille Opalinski, and Katherine Jones. Two bank customers were left unharmed, suggesting to police that the killers had some sort of grudge against the bank. Portland Police Homicide Lieutenant Janice K. Freligh insisted that every effort was being made to apprehend the perpetrators, but asked for any help that the public could give to aid in generating leads. The First Keaton Bank is offering a reward of $10,000 for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the murderers.
Where has the World Gone? by Antonio Scarpetta, is the Roman film industries latest and greatest. The story of a young soldier s adventures during the Roman Empire s long series of defeats at the hands of the Portlanders, it attempts to put the decline of Roman power and the major changes that Italian society has gone through in perspective. Federigo Lambella, as Vittorio Fontana, does a superb job. This film is a must see. In Italian with subtitles.
The Empire Strikes Back II has it all: sex, violence, and surprisingly, a plot. Based on a memorable pre-Apocalypse film of the same name, and produced by Leggy Mountbatten, TESB II thrills its audience with massive starship battles and strange alien creatures filmed with the latest in stop action animation by Kenneth Floramond. The acting is passible, with David Gonzales as Luke Vader and Arnold McBride as the Emperor Victorianus. while Rachel Jonas gives a bravura performance as the android.
Whoa smelly . . . I mean Nelly. Guess what our sensitive nostrils have picked up on the breeze this month, friends. First, there is the most peculiar odor wafting from the Bunker. Yes, friends, those most peculiar buddies of the Harbucks, that happy band of troglodytes that live under that most secret of places, seem to have hidden the entire object known as Stonehenge under it! Just like giant pack rats. I thought the weirds lived in ruined cities? Doesn t that smell interesting . . .
The odors wafting from the Democratic Party smell very . . . stressed. After all, who is going to fill JFS s tres large shoes. Why the ego alone would take fifty normal men to replace.
I guess the rumors about the strange cave dwellers controlling the traffic lights turned out to be true. Isn t the sensitivity of the divine nostrils truly overwheming? It appears that our happy band of cave rats were simply practicing for the big breakout after their little toasting party.
And then there is our king by the grace of God. He seems to have just a wee problem with his temper, doesn t he? "Who will rid me of this troublesome JFS???" Probably not, but still, loose lips kill innocent bystanders in his case. Rumor has it that he wasn't too pleased with McDowell, either . . . Then there are those Romans. If they were any less competent, they would be extinct by now because they wouldn't know how to reproduce. The amazing olfactory organ scents yet another band of third rate client states that the good ole UKA will be forced to protect at our expense . . .
The Great California Weirds live in the ruins of Los Angeles. The survivors of both the nuclear attack and the Mexican invasion that followed it, the Weirds developed a peculiar lifestyle of scavenging and predation that endures even to today, despite government attempts to wipe it out.
Weirds live in small family groups, rarely more than two dozen people in size. Most descend from Caucasian forebears, though some are of African or Asian descent. Higher organizations tend to be clan groups who are more distantly related. Clan groups rarely spend more than a few days together at any one time.
California Weirds live in warrens excavated in ruined building complexes. This tunneling behavior probably began as a defensive response to the large groups of Mexican refugees and local cannibals that preyed on the weirds during the early post-Holocaust years. To survive, many weird groups became cannibals themselves, stealing out at night to kill and drag back to their lairs any unsuspecting outsider that passed by. As a rule, weirds avoid direct confrontation with outsiders, and thus live a very isolated and timid existence. They will fight ferociously when cornered, however.
To supplement their diet of passing strangers, they grow small vegetable gardens in isolated plots scattered about the ruins. They also hunt rats, coyotes, pigeons, and other wildlife that inhabit the ruins ecosystem. In the last ten years or so, they have increasing turned to trade, exchanging scavenged items for food and clothing with their neighbors.
Despite this precarious-sounding lifestyle, the Weird population is actually growing. People on the run, such as military deserters and criminals, find that Weird bands are willing to takein strangers who prove themselves useful, though these people usually have to perform an apprenticeship as a near slave for a number of years before being fully accepted.The government is actively trying to lure these bands out of hiding and assimilate them into the general population. Currently, there has been little success in doing so, as the California Weirds remain profoundly paranoid about what they call "Big Government."
For Sale, Livestock:
Riding horses, 13-14 hands, between three and seven years. Let's deal! Bennington Farms Call 511-3412 Anytime before 6pm.
Prime Sheep. Dan's Merinos. Action every Friday at 3:00 pm. 11000 E. Division, Portland. Call for more information at 513-3482..
For Sale, Used Military Goods
G.I. Jim s Surplus Store. We have it all! 317 W. Union. 7 Days a week, 8-8.
For Sale, Salvaged Parts:
Assorted Ford auto parts, 1970-1985. I have hundreds of clean, well preserved parts from a wide variety of vehicles. Call me! Noland Stankard, 511-1354.
Wanted, Rags and Discarded Clothing: Any condition. Northwest Paper Co., 511-2007 M-F 8:00-5:00.
Women Looking for Men:
SWF, 26, Tall and Gorgeous, looking for a good time and a man with money, call 512-8897 if you are man enough. Ask for Judy.
DWF, 42, Brilliant, rich, and powerful, looks for young studs to provide her with entertainment. No emotional attachment desired. Call 511-5443.
SWF, 29, looking for a few good men. Maybe five or six. Preferably marines. Call 511-2346
June 5. Let Dillon Hanley go. Eight years in a penal battalion because some stupid sailor forgot to change a light bulb. Get real. Justice goes to the highest bidder in the UKA and shipping companies have more than Navy Officers. Alicia Hanley, Portland.
June 8. The cancellation of the Enhanced Airlift Program is a big mistake. We are sacrificing our strategic mobility, since a plane can fly across the Atlantic in a day while a ship will take a week or more. Not to mention the time it will take to build those ships. They won t even lay the first down until next year. Where does that leave us when the Islamic Sultinates begin another invasion and our army is in Europe. Does anyone remember 2042? Think people, then write your king and MP. Ezekial Krause, head of Keaton Aeronautical Industries. Auburn, WA..
June 11. Great. Now were are invading another country, Slovakia, that we have no business being in. Bring our boys home and let them to the job they are meant to do: clean up the Midwest. That is where the real threat is, not a bunch of unwashed jockeys armed with bows and arrows. Francis Elaine Dunleavy, Portland.
June 16. The king ordered the murder of our sacred party leader because he could not live with the truth that the sainted John Fitzgerald Schwarzenegger proclaimed with every breath he took: Monarchy is wrong! Our leader believed this, and that even in a perverted form of democracy that exists here, he believed that it was his right, no, duty, to proclaim that fundamental truth from the very rooftops of this infernal city. Of course, King Patrick ordered the killing, of course, his hatchet man, Booker Terrorist Lincoln, Minister of Oppression carried it out. A band of renegade technos, hah! These dissidents are merely a smoke screen the king uses to murder his enemies and the patriots trying to lead his people to freedom. Don't tolerate it anymore. Next election, vote Democrat, so we can bring back the good old USA, just like it was. Don't let a family use your future for their play ground. Theron D. Wood, Beaverton.
June 19. The king may try to get rid of us, but we run the country. Let him try. His cardboard throne will collapse under his weight. Brother Peter, Knights of the Holy Circuit.
June 23. Enough with the bullshit. Let s get down to serious business: Beer! More of it, free to everyone. That is what life is all about. Vote for the Party for Beer in the next general election. Let s soak the rich to pay taxes to buy us beer. Blutto Hugh, General Secretary for the Party for Beer.
June 26. Patrick is sane. He may be upset, who wouldn t be after one of his best friends commits suicide. Despite this, he is in the Palace and in control. Queen Margaret.